CAROLYN GUÉRARD CALE

Midnight Rambler

2012-01-27T17:24:00.001Z

Oh dear, my head hurts, I think because I've
Had too many cups of tea. My limbs are
Restless, I think because I haven't properly exercised in a couple years
My stomach is unsure of itself, I think because
I introduced it to a strange assortment of food today
Including lots of clotted cream
But this, after all, is England

My birthday is in three days and I have a feeling
It will be just like any other day, which will make it
Worse than any other birthday
If I get myself together and stop being
Such a little brat, it might be alright

For Some Reason I Can't Explain

2012-01-27T12:29:00.002Z

I'm staying in the Chinese room
Whose furniture is made of dark, intricately carved wood
There is an old transistor radio that still works quite well
And there is a ladybug perched on my computer

I read a chapter in The Story Of Art after I had my
Devonshire tea. Now I'm
Listening to the radio, thinking about starting a new painting

Also, happy twenty-seventh

Eyes Were Two White Opals

2012-01-26T21:40:00.001Z

You would really like Patti Smith

But I guess I don't really know you at all

You Talk Like Marlene Dietrich, And You Dance Like Zizi Jeanmaire, Your Clothes Are All Made By Balmain, And There Are Diamonds And Pearls In Your Hair, Yes There Are

2012-01-26T19:02:00.000Z

Heather is the housekeeper and she has equipped me with an
Electric blanket that I've turned on as high as it will go
Tonight I'm being extraordinarily lazy and tomorrow I will
Get up and do something or other, I guess
I love Deans Court, more than anywhere else in the world

We're Not Bad People, We Just Came From A Bad Place

2012-01-26T16:50:00.002Z

It's January here at Deans Court and
I've had a strange past twenty-seven hours

I'm Sorry Number Two

2012-01-25T09:42:00.000Z

I shouldn't have told you to call me; you're not going to
I shouldn't have said your name on this blog; you asked me not to
So please accept my apologies, however indirectly, and go on with whatever you're doing

I'm Sorry

2012-01-24T20:30:00.002Z

James Jackson please call me
07972271086

I Can't Paint Anymore; Just Gulp Down Ice Cream

2012-01-24T20:25:00.002Z

Where are you
Where are you
Where are you

I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack

Independence

2012-01-24T11:48:00.000Z

Last night William took us to dinner in Chinatown (it was Chinese New Year)
And to the Leonardo Da Vinci exhibition at the National Gallery
I quite enjoyed myself and am glad to be able to say I've seen ninety-three Leonardo pieces
Including both versions of The Virgin Of The Rocks

Dulcie spent the night with me in Fulham and we went back to the
National Gallery this morning. She has lectures all day so I went in the museum and
Got overwhelmed. I did manage to get one sketch in and to see Van Gogh's Sunflowers
I also bought a few postcards and a book William and Dulcie were talking about
Which is apparently brilliant and very famous
Called The Story Of Art. I plan to start reading after I click the publish button on this post

Buffalo Bill

2012-01-23T11:15:00.000Z

I made it my goal a while ago to own the
Hard-back British first editions of all the Harry Potter books
I'm going to have to find them at second-hand bookshops because
The new editions have ugly covers. Yesterday I found
Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix

Today I'm painting a self-portrait. It'll be the fourth painting I've done in
Under three days and I'm not promising anything, in fact I'm telling you
They're not very good at all, but I've made a Flickr account and I've
Taken pictures of them and put them up there. Here's the link

I Saw The Lie

2012-01-21T22:38:00.000Z

Today I went on a little walking tour of London, Beatles style
I started by taking the Jubilee line to St John's Wood and trekking across the
Famous Abbey Road zebra crossing. I then took a picture of
Abbey Road Studios. I walked to Paul McCartney's house on Cavendish Road
Then to the Beatles store on Baker Street. I saw old places once lived in by
John and by Paul, the site of EMI, the place where Paul married Linda, et cetera
I quit the tour a bit early to go to the art store (Cass Art is having a
Magnificent tenth anniversary sale) and now I've done
Two shitting paintings in the attic room of Tabby's flat

Oh, also, I bought something at the Beatles store and that was a
Yellow Submarine colouring book. Very exciting indeed
I just can't decide whether I should leave it blank or colour in it

What Do I Do, What Am I Doing

2012-01-20T21:34:00.000Z

The first thing I did today was buy some
Golden spikes from Klein's to apply to the pair of red Converses
I got for Christmas. The second thing I did was take the tube to
St Pauls and walk over the Millennium Bridge to the
Tate Modern. I spent a good few hours there, in the free section
With Picasso and Dalí and all the old gang
But first I had a tasty pumpkin seed, beetroot, and goats cheese salad in the café
I'm taking things slowly and I'm taking them day by day

Tomorrow I think I will do a Beatles-themed walk across the city
But I will decide in the morning. For now I will sleep

Here's To Me

2012-01-19T19:05:00.002Z

So I made it to London and I found Tabby's flat
It's three stories high and I'm on the top

Studs

2012-01-19T08:57:00.001Z

Everything I'll need for the next two weeks
Fits nicely inside a medium-sized backpack
So I guess you could say I'm backpacking
Wish me luck

Eransa

2012-01-18T18:31:00.002Z

I
Am
All done with exams and it's
Time
To
Pack
!

You Treat Me Like A Stranger And That Feels So Rough

2012-01-18T10:11:00.001Z

Here I am, back in the physics and astronomy library
Trying, trying, trying to do my art history revision
The exam is today
But everything else is great

Well I'm Screwed, She Says

2012-01-17T20:11:00.001Z

Look at me, sitting in the physics and astronomy library
Outlining classical sculpture in French
I have probably spent twenty-seven actual productive minutes
Revising for my art history exam tomorrow
I just want to be able to focus. I just want some focalin

I toured a prospective flat today for next year
It is small but my room would have a double bed and a
Walk-in closet and it would look out over Market Street

I'm just listening to Gotye
Wishing you had waved back earlier
It's not too much to ask

Hateful

2012-01-17T14:16:00.001Z

People can be
So damn insensitive sometimes
You know? Because I sure do

Also, I talked to my parents and the deal is
I have to stay within the United Kingdom for inter semester so
London, Deans Court, possibly Bristol? Bath, perhaps
I've never seen Stonehenge. I could do that

Also, I haven't spoken to Sean Pennington since I got back
In fact, I didn't see him at all for the last few days before I left
In fact in fact, he barely reads this blog anymore
Maybe we're growing apart. Hahahahah, get it
It's funny because we never grew together in the first place

Rest Number Two

2012-01-16T20:59:00.001Z

But really, crazy people
Absolutely ludicrous

Is It Still Raining? I Haven't Noticed

2012-01-16T19:26:00.003Z

Jaime is the sweetest girl ever, ever
And St Andrews isn't so bad at all

I've only just now realised
My birthday is in two weeks!
Look at that!

Also, I finally finished watching
Four Weddings & A Funeral
I also did a big drawing of George Harrison
So productive, oh yes

Rest

2012-01-16T18:13:00.001Z

Constantly, I am dealing with crazy people

Frugal You

2012-01-16T17:02:00.000Z

I've just been
Listening to Bon Iver's newest album on repeat
No revising. None of that at all
Also I've been hoping you'd answer the goddamn phone, but whatever

Here's the plan at the moment for inter semester break
Hostel in London for a week
Deans Court for a week
Moderately boring, but still enjoyable
Here's the highlight of the trip : William Hanham has tickets to see
The Da Vinci exhibition at the National Gallery
Maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but that's a
Big fuckin' deal. Mmmhmm

The following are the headlines rolling through my mind

My father and I have both been on the phone with the
Rosetta Stone people trying to get my French programme to work
Wouldn't that be great if it did

[This is where I mentioned that person I can't mention and then erased it]

Goddamnit I hate censoring this blog. Fuck you, you fucking know who

Well that's it. Nothing else in my brain today, I'm afraid

The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On

2012-01-15T22:13:00.002Z

I love you in the same way that
Pattie Boyd will always love George Harrison
That way, we can love other people at the same time and be
Friends forever. Is that fucked up
Or what? Sometimes I cover your eyes so you can't see me

Lip Licker

2012-01-15T21:46:00.004Z

Ooohh boy, oh boy

Anyway, Skins is on tomorrow

If He Doesn't Want You, Nothing Can Make Him Stay

2012-01-15T15:36:00.000Z

I've spent the past thirty minutes or so chatting with a
Nice girl named Becky in the kitchen while I
Sipped some tea and she put together the ingredients for a cake
A little bit of company is the nicest thing in the world

Here's a little fact about British people
They say 'soya' instead of 'soy milk'
I'm telling you this because I've been a
Vegan for the past two days and I bought
Soya at Tesco as well as
Pita and vegan hummus, vegan soup
And vegan chocolate-covered cranberries
In fact, I shared my cranberries yesterday and they were
So popular that I went back to the store today and
Bought out the entire supply of those little fuckers

I Love You (Is It So Difficult)

2012-01-15T09:54:00.000Z

Mornings are sometimes rough because
With the time difference
I don't have the option of calling my mother or Hayley or anyone in the States really

Sometimes I just get up for breakfast then I come back to my room
And sleep until lunch
Today will be different though because I'm going to revise!
(Tell me where to start)

I Could Feel Your Disease As It Meshed With Mine

2012-01-15T08:55:00.000Z

It's not nearly as cold as I thought it would be and I've taken
Two days off to completely
Not worry about exams so today I'm going to
Try very very hard
To worry a lot

I'm bad about spilling my guts to people I don't
Know that well
Hopefully this one won't turn out as badly as
The last one did

Take It Slow

2012-01-14T22:26:00.002Z

I think I may have struck gold in the friend department

What More Is Tomorrow Than Another Day

2012-01-14T14:23:00.000Z

It's past two o'clock and I'm
Just having my first cup of tea

The good news is I think I might have found a flat for next year
I guess that means I'm staying

Didn't I Say I Need You

2012-01-14T14:01:00.000Z

Today is the kind of day that makes me think
I can't do this for another semester, much less three more years

When Hayley hugged me goodbye, she said
See you in two weeks
Nobody wanted me to get on that goddamn plane

I'm Not Angry, Just Disappointed

2012-01-13T19:31:00.001Z

Dinner made me sad and French Rosetta Stone won't install
But today wasn't totally terrible
Thirty more minutes until it's socially acceptable
For me to go to bed
Three more days until the first episode of the new season of Skins
Makes its debut on the Internet
Six more days until I'm finished with exams
And seven more days until I can get a little time away from Uni Hall

My list of things to do in London is expanding, and you're welcome to add to it
So if you've got any super suggestions, leave a comment on this post and I'll get it done

Rock'N'Roll Is Here To Stay

2012-01-13T12:25:00.000Z

I've developed quite a list of things to do while I'm in
London for my inter semester break
I was planning on ending said break with
The Black Keys in Edinburgh but
Regular tickets are sold out and I just don't feel the need
To pay seventy-five pounds for re-sold tickets

I'm Not Any Any Any Anything At All / You Don't Mean That Say You're Sorry

2012-01-12T19:03:00.001Z

Well I think the interview went okay and
Next week I'll know if it did

Now I've made dinner last an hour and a half
I'm so good at stalling

Who, me? Oh, just listening to Saint Vincent
Trying to pass the time and make it until
Eight o'clock, at which time I will allow myself
To go to bed

Twenty weeks. Except this week is almost over and
Then it will be nineteen weeks

Dare I Ask

2012-01-12T16:25:00.001Z

I probably failed my German exam which means I

Probably failed the class and will

Probably be deported

Do you realise what a hassle it would be

If I was deported. A big hassle, I tell you

I spent the past hour wondering what my

Plan B is and the only real conclusion I came to

Is that I cannot, absolutely cannot, live in Charleston ever again

Two weeks is my limit for being in that place

Somebody, somebody

Just prescribe me some goddamn Focalin

Isn't so obvious that

All my problems would be solved

A Good Workout Will Help You Clear Your Mind

2012-01-12T11:24:00.002Z

How many stupid suggestions do you think I've heard
About potential cures for my depression and concentration difficulties
This has been going on for over six years so, yes, I have tried
All of the above, thank you

In spite of the fact that I have an exam (in German, ahhh!!) today
It's actually an okay day, because I also have a job interview
Raise your hand if you think I have the ability to be a waitress
And cross your fingers that working at The Adamson will improve my
Time here at St Andrews (greatly)
First, wish me luck on actually getting the job in the first place

I tried so hard to study but I just can't do it
Instead, I had breakfast at Starbucks with one of my many gift cards
Then I came back here and I started writing this post
Now I'm just stalling (did you know I now have twenty different little
Bottles in my nail varnish collection?) Also did you know I'm starting a
New collection because everyone should have
Something to collect. I'm collecting magazines (and maybe books, hmm..)
That have anything to do with the Beatles. So far I have two magazines
A 1965 edition of Paris Match, and Life's most recent release, all about George Harrison
If I'm counting books, which I think I am, then I've got the Beatles Anthology book as well as
A little book Aunt Margaret gave me that says a little something about each song
I didn't think to bring those with me

Anyway, I'm going to get back to it now! Probably not
Somebody just write me a Focalin prescription

Everything From A To Z

2012-01-11T10:23:00.002Z

Today this is my decision : I'm going to stay here for the remainder of the year
Because if I took a semester or a year off, my parents would make me
Live in Charleston and
How counter-productive would that be?! Of course, I have my
First exam tomorrow and I may change my mind after I take it
This is very stressful and it's not that I think I might not be able to do it
It's that I know I cannot

Swedish Fish

2012-01-11T10:17:00.000Z

I've encountered problems in a sort of
Domino effect since I got this lovely iPhone
I had to buy OS X Lion to get iCloud
(Which, as it turns out, is not that useful)
But Lion doesn't support my version of
Microsoft Office, et cetera et cetera

I just want to be back at Early Bird Diner with Hayley
I cried in the doctors' office yesterday

Three's A Crowd

2012-01-09T22:28:00.000Z

So I'm back in my little room
Sleeping a lot because there's no one here
To tell me to do something with myself

Tomorrow, however, is a busy day
I have a doctors' appointment and a much-needed
German revision class and somewhere in the middle
I'll finally get my iPhone!

Off Your Rocker

2012-01-08T18:34:00.002Z

I'll be gone for five months and it
Sucks that you don't care but I'll get over it

Found-Note Story

2012-01-08T10:06:00.000Z

This is a story I wrote sophomore year of high school, touched up a little
Hayley found it at her house

Amelia Everitt was born on the hottest day of the summer
It reached one-hundred degrees as Lauren came running, sweating, through the hospital doors
Just a minute late for her baby sister's release into the world

'Where have you been? Where have you been?'
Lauren's mother mumbled as she drifted in and out of sleep
The room was stuffy and uncomfortable and
Not the sort of place one should be giving birth in

'I'm sorry. I got here as soon as I could. Is everything okay?'

'Everything is fine.' Lauren's father said quickly and with much force
A young nurse came in with a bundle in her arms, Amelia
Lauren noticed first and took the baby
She was a regular looking baby
Her eyes and her hair were very dark, her skin quite pale, her fingers small and wrinkled
And Lauren smiled as she looked
Lauren turned to give Amelia to her mother, but she was asleep in the hospital bed

Taking Amelia home took longer than expected, and it was considerably late before everyone was settled
Lauren sat with her father, Andrew Everitt, in the kitchen while her mother, Ellen, and Amelia slept upstairs

'Your mother and I will really need you to stay around the house
Especially in the next few days, while we're figuring out schedules and things'

'Of course. I'll be here, but for now I'm going to bed'
Lauren took a glass of water up to her bedroom and set it on the dresser
She took off the day's clothes and replaced them with flannel pajama pants
And an old camp tee-shirt

The next few days proved much more exhausting than the day Amelia was born
While the sun was up, there was crying
While the sun was down, there was more crying
There were cries for food, sleep, and comfort, but there was
Hardly a way to distinguish between them
Ellen was lazy about taking care of the baby, but no one blamed her
Lauren found herself doing most of the work, spending the most time with Amelia

A week passed and Lauren's grandfather came for a visit
He lived three hours away in West New York, and Lauren's family saw him rarely

'So, this is the baby? Quite a gap you've got, between the oldest and the youngest
Though you only wanted one kid?'

Ellen looked sour

'You never knew what I wanted anyway'
And with that, the left. Lauren heard his car start up and drive away

'You always manage to run him off, don't you?' Lauren said
Ellen looked at her for a moment, then walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs
Her door shut just a little heavier than normal

Lauren got the night off one Saturday, and went to dinner with some friends in the city
They sat down at the Hollow Globe, a popular restaurant among the teenagers of Greenwich, Connecticut
And ordered drinks and appetizers

'How's the baby? You have to take care of her like all the time, don't you?'

'Amelia's great. She's not too much trouble for a baby
I just wonder if my mother will ever take care of her
I mean, at first I thought she was just tired, but now I really think she doesn't want to deal with Amelia at all'

'She probably forgot what it's like to have a baby
It's been seventeen years'

'Yeah, of course it's understandable
But I hope it doesn't last too much longer
Anyway, what's been going on with you guys?'

Lauren changed the subject because on her night off, she realised
That she didn't want to think about Amelia or her mother

Appetizers were brought out and eaten, then entrées, more drinks, and after much avoidance
The subject came up once more

'Well, your parents didn't exactly plan this one, did they?'

'They've never talked to me about it, and I doubt they will
But I think it's safe to assume that poor Amelia is an 'accident'
It'll be so obvious to her when she's older
I feel so sorry for her'

'God I know. That's terrible'

'It happens. I've always wanted a sibling anyway
I mean, it's a little late, but that's okay'

'Yeah, you're right
Anyway, should we be heading out? I'm finished'

'Sounds good to me. Tell him to split the check'

Lauren and her friends walked to their cars, good-byed, and separated
Lauren thought the whole ride about what they said
Didn't exactly plan this one
As soon as Amelia was told the definition of an accident, she would know
But that was years, many years away
Lauren pulled into the driveway and noticed Christina's bedroom light on
There was probably crying to attend to
She locked the car while walking into the house, and found her mother asleep on the sofa
Her father flicking through the channels on the television
From downstairs Lauren could hear screams from her baby sister, and her night off was over

The next months of caring for Amelia involved little milestones typical of babies
First step, first word, first haircut, and shortly after the heat of Connecticut summer returned, first birthday
Ellen Everitt took no interest in any of this
At the occasion of Amelia's first word, 'La-ra', Ellen rolled her eyes and returned to the sofa
At Amelia's first step, Ellen gave a barely-visible smile
Then folded her arms over her chest and left for an work-out class
Lauren didn't bother telling her mother about Amelia's first hair appointment
But hung the pictures on the refrigerator where Ellen might see when she reached for a Diet Coke

Lauren remembered her mother being distant before, but not like she was now
Amelia's birth brought out a side in Ellen that was neither healthy nor appropriate
Lauren worried what kind of effect this would have on Amelia as she grew older, and did her best to take care of her

When one year arrived, Lauren held a small party a the house, to which her grandfather rejected an invitation
Amelia, much larger and smarter than a year before, sat a one end of the table with
A cupcake atop her tray and a cone-shaped hat atop her head
Lauren, Ellen and Andrew, and few sweet neighbors sat in the chairs around the dining room table
And sang 'Happy birthday'
Lauren blew out Amelia's candle and they all clapped

'See that, Ellen? We made it through one whole year!'
Andrew Everitt gave his wife a strong pat on the back, which was returned by an angry glare

'One year. How many more to go?'
Ellen made her most typical face; eyes slanted, head slightly tilted, lips pursed
She looked sour now, she always looked sour

'Ellen, come on. It's her birthday'

'She's one year old! She can't understand me!
Who cares anyway? My own father couldn't manage to show up for this
Goddamn party, why should I have to? Now I understand why he took the easy way out
And gave up on being a parent altogether
You know they say you end up understanding your parents eventually --'

'Stop. Please stop'
Lauren picked Amelia up out of her chair and carried her upstairs
Lauren knew that Amelia understood everything

Lauren was now eighteen years old and entering her senior year at Greenwich Academy
Over the past year, school had become a way to make Ellen look after her youngest daughter
When Lauren was at school and Andrew was at work, Ellen stayed home with Amelia
But on weekends, or after school, or the worst, summer vacation, Amelia was Lauren's full responsibility
They developed a schedule, which Lauren wrote out and put on the refrigerator for her mother
Amelia woke at seven, ate breakfast, and didn't go back to sleep again until lunch was over
She had dinner at six and went to bed as early as possible
On nice days Lauren took her in the stroller around five o'clock

Summer ended and Lauren went back to school
She worried more each day about leaving Amelia with her mother
And stayed home several times, faking illness, to make sure everything was alright
Three months passed since Amelia's birthday, and Ellen became more and more apathetic
She started losing her temper more often, and these were the times Lauren hated most
Lauren's father usually had to calm his wife, by sitting her down on the sofa and turning the television on

In late October, Lauren came home to a screaming Amelia
She was in her crib; and empty milk bottle by her side

'Mom? Mom? Mom!' Lauren called
She looked in the living room, the kitchen, in the dining room, all the bedrooms and bathrooms
She looked outside
She called her mother's cell phone, and heard it ringing from her purse by her bed
Lauren's blood boiled; she had never been so angry with her mother
She couldn't believe it, her mother actually walked out of the house, without Amelia

After a few hours though, the more she thought about it, Lauren could believe it
By seven o'clock she could believe with no question that her mother would go
To a work-out class, or out shopping in the city, or whatever the hell she was doing
Without her fifteen-month-old daughter

'Where's your mother?' Andrew asked, as he fixed vegetable lasagne for dinner

'No idea. She wasn't home when I got back from school'

'Where was Amelia?'

'Right here. She left Amelia here
I don't know where she went though
She left her cell phone; her whole purse actually'

'Oh. Oh that's strange
Well she should be back soon. Is her car gone?'

'I didn't check'
Lauren got up and looked out the window toward the driveway
'Yeah, she took it. I don't know where she would have gone though; she's got no money or anything without her purse'

Andrew responded with some sort of grunt, and continued to prepare supper
Lauren put Amelia to bed, then ate and finished her homework
By the time she was settling in her bed, there was still no sign of her mother

Lauren got dressed in the morning, then walked down the stairs and looked out the window
Ellen's car was still gone
Lauren felt a hint of worry, but it was mainly about how
Amelia would be taken care of
She decided it would be best to stay home for the day, and her father was easily convinced

'Tell your mother to call me when she gets here,' Andrew said
Lauren held her eyes back from rolling

The whole day went by; the house remained empty except Lauren and Amelia
No phone call, nothing
Lauren was worried she would have to take two days off school
And was not looking forward to the make-up work
Andrew came home from work. He was worried

'Nothing? I'm afraid she's gotten lost or something
I can't imagine where she would have gone. I'll call some people'

Lauren's father spent two hours making phone calls
He called neighbors and family friends, but no one had information to offer
His deepening worry became contagious, and Lauren started to feel anxious
She went to bed with thoughts flying through her mind

Two more days passed without sight of Ellen Everitt, and Andrews stayed home with Amelia
So that Lauren could return to school
At lunch, the dean of Greenwich Academy took Lauren aside with a unpleasant look on his face

'Lauren, I've received a phone call from your father, asking you to go to the hospital immediately
He says it's very urgent'

Lauren was overcome with a wave of sweat and a pit in her stomach
Where was Amelia? What happened to her? She brushed past the dean walked briskly
Toward the student parking lot
Her car was hot inside and she turned on the air conditioning as she sped
In the direction of the hospital where Amelia was born
Déjà vu hit her strong as Lauren ran through the front doors, to the desk

'Everitt? I'm looking for Andrew Everitt?'
They told her the room number and she took the elevator to the third floor
Lauren found her father pacing the hallway

'Lauren. Oh my God. Oh my God you're here
Lauren they found her. They found your mother'
He was sobbing and shaking

'What happened? Where is she? Where's Amelia?'

'She's gone. The fire-fighters tried to save her, they told me.. oh my God'

'I -- what?'
Lauren's heart had never beat so fast in her life
She spun around looking for someone who could actually tell her something
There was a doctor going into the room nearest her; she followed him

'Excuse me? Excuse me?'
She walked into the room behind him, and stopped abruptly upon seeing the figure in the hospital bed
It was her mother, at one time it was
Her hair and skin were burned and barely recognizable at first glance
Her face was ugly and distorted and terrible
Lauren started sobbing and the doctor realised who she was
He closed the curtain so she couldn't see anymore

'I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were behind me, I didn't mean for you to see
You're Lauren?'

'I'm Lauren'

'Doctor Palman. Again, I'm very sorry. Is there anything I can get you?'

'No'

'Okay, well, I will need to tell you what happened
Your mother was found in a burning building five hours ago in West New York
Fire-fighters got her out but she was too badly burnt to be saved
It took a while to identify her but some neighbors of the
Home-owner were able to tell that she was his daughter'

Lauren was absolutely shocked

The doctor continued, 'Once they figured out who she was and where she was from
The police decided to bring her here and call your father
He confirmed the identification as soon as he got here'

'Do you know where my sister is?'

'I believe she's in our nursery on the first floor
She was with your father when he arrived'

Lauren took the elevator to the first floor
She followed the signs to the nursery and found Amelia
She picked her up and held her very close
Amelia had a knowing face, a smart face
She cried. Lauren cried

That night, in the kitchen, Andrew slid an opened envelope across the counter

'I found that right before they called me'

Lauren took the letter out, and looked first at the signature. James; Ellen's brother

Ellen, thought I'd let you know Dad passed away yesterday
Don't know if you want to come, but we've arranged the funeral for Friday
It was peaceful, he died in his sleep
He had been going downhill, but he was old
Hope to talk to you soon, it's been a while. James

Connecticut reached one-hundred degrees for Amelia's second birthday
Lauren and her father celebrated with a cupcake and a cone-shaped hat and a few neighbors
Amelia smiled a lot, and it always made Lauren smile

Mother's Little Helper

2012-01-08T08:45:00.001Z

This is how I'm supposed to feel

It's my last night in Charleston
And I don't feel anxious about the fact that I haven't seen you

I feel like being creative and I think I'm going to write a story
I'll share with you if it's any good, because I'm tired of
Posting bad shit to this blog

Let me tell you about my day first

I talked to Annie on the phone for a good long while and

She made me feel stable and better about lots of things

I babysat a little and made a bit of money
My mother had a going away party for me and
You didn't show up and I was sad about that for a while but
Now I'm not and my journey to this place of contentment
Starts with a ride downtown with Sophie Greene and Hayley
And ends with a very late-night (early morning) very deep
Conversation with that Hayley Giordano lady at the
Early Bird Diner (my new favourite place in this dump)
We covered all sorts of topics from our beliefs in God to
Books we want to read and I think
That was just what I needed

I always remember that little quote Houtz had on the wall of the
Computer lab at the old (real) Magnet
Something about how good conversations aren't about people but about
Ideas. I like talking about ideas. None of this small talk bullshit
I'm too old for that
(I feel much older than I am (did you know I'm about to be
Nineteen years old (only nineteen, already nineteen)))

God Save The Queen

2012-01-07T15:22:00.001Z

I leave tomorrow for five months
Ahhh, starting to freak out a little bit

We're Extreme Individuals

2012-01-06T14:08:00.000Z

Hayley found a story I wrote sophomore year
Something about a house burning down
I'd like to see that story and I'd
Like to read it because sophomore year means
I was in Junius Paul Wright III's creative writing class and
That's the best my writing's ever been

Can Ya Dig It

2012-01-05T02:23:00.001Z

I spent some time at Kristmar's house surrounded by
Sane and peaceful people. There was very little anxiety or angst and
There was also tasty food, not that I could really eat it
(Have I told you about my
Vomiting problem? I think it's due to a mild case of
Lactose intolerance)

I'm so tired and it's not even ten yet but I think
It's time for bed. Last night I went to sleep wondering about how life would be
If I never met you and I when I took a nap today I had another nightmare about you and I'm hoping
For tonight to boring in the best way

Twenty-Five To Life

2012-01-04T22:53:00.002Z

Theeerrree you are, buddy
Welcome back

Thermal

2012-01-04T14:08:00.001Z

Daaaannniel, when are you going to
Wake up and see my missed call

Oh, my mother is having a going away party of sorts
One ninety six Grove around five or six on
Saturday, please. For real this time though

I'm talking to my cousin Logan on Skype and I'm also
Thinking about living and working in New York for the summer
Remember when I was considering working on a
Vineyard in France? I'm afraid I'm becoming one of those people who
Comes up with a bunch of half-ass ideas and never sees them through

I know Sean Pennington is bored in his new apartment and I'd love
To bring him breakfast or something but
I don't want him to get tired of me

I Hate Her Because She Couldn't Save You. I Hate Myself Because I Couldn't Either

2012-01-04T06:58:00.002Z

Just a side note

I still love you
Perhaps more than ever

Queen's Chair

2012-01-04T06:54:00.001Z

The Internet has been down more or less since Christmas
But I haven't had anything interesting to say until tonight anyway
And what a coincidence
That the Internet is working again

It's one thirty in the morning but I'm quite well-rested because
I fell asleep on Sean Pennington's sofa
Also because I had a
Double shot of espresso at some point today

I woke up Hayley on the way back to the house and I felt bad about that but not bad enough
To keep me from calling Daniel Kendra, who in fact did not wake up to my call and it's
Probably better that way

I gave Sean his house-warming gift and I can't remember if I told you but
It's a very sad looking painting of Conor Oberst. Christmas colours. Wonky arms

Davin crookedly hung up a Smiths poster : The Queen Is Dead and there's also
The poster that came folded up with the Beach Boys' Smile Sessions on the fridge

I'm not allowed to tell you who that reminds me of

Speaking of such things, I said to Sean
Remember that time when you read my blog every day but you refused to speak to me
He said that was fun. I guess there are multiple people in the world who find this same action
Fun. I'm not allowed to tell you who else. I'm not allowed to tell you much at all, and I never
Wanted this to be a censored blog
It's funny because now Sean does the opposite
He hasn't read this blog in a minute but he
Answers my calls (at least more than he used to)
I don't really mind. I don't mind much of anything anymore, but I'll probably start
Minding again when I'm back in St Andrews and I'm miserable

You want to know something pathetic? I'm dreading going back to St Andrews
I begged and begged and pleaded and pleaded to go there for the
Past four years and I was so
Excited excited excited and now I just don't know what to do because
I also don't want to stay here. Remember when I was just supposed to be in Charleston for
Two weeks? And remember when I changed my flight so I'd be here for three and I was
So happy about that? Well I'm realising now that two weeks is my limit for
Being in Charleston. Two weeks is long enough for the novelty to wear off

One last thing : Do you remember Peter Huddlestun? He went to Magnet and I
Wrote him a letter in the summer of two thousand ten because
His brother died and I could relate, kind of. I then saw him at the Trophy Scars show which
Turned out to be the best night of my life. Anyway, it's been a minute since I
Sent that letter but he messaged me the other day and told me how much he appreciated it
Wasn't that nice of him? It's so great to know that
You can make an impact

This has been a very lengthy post but I guess I had some
Catching up to do. Good night

Fuck The World Don't Ask Me For Shit (Everything You Get You Gotta Work Hard For It)

2011-12-31T14:47:00.000Z

Tonight is New Years Eve and I am babysitting because
I wanted to ensure that this year
Was nothing like last year

A Heart Just Can't Contain All Of That Empty Space

2011-12-27T14:37:00.001Z

Remember when I used to play The Sims? Well, The Sims Three is
Downloading on my computer right now and guess who's
Going to have something to do with her time when she
Gets back to St Andrews? Me, that's who

Today cousin Alicia and I will go shopping
(Cousin Alicia (Ah-lih-sha) is different from
Regular Alicia (Ah-lee-see-ah))

Bad Influence

2011-12-27T13:40:00.001Z

Today cousin Alicia is coming to
Stay for two nights so that's exciting

I had breakfast today and I'm going to
Take a bath. Today will be a good day mostly because
It's the twenty-seventh!!

It's Your Funeral

2011-12-26T15:23:00.001Z

I got a pair of red hi-top converses for Christmas and I'm
Scouring the Internet for a pack of brass cone studs to go with them
Wish me luck at Michael's today

Thank you, one and all, for a swell Christmas

First Christmas Without Kirk

2011-12-25T17:52:00.002Z

Uncle Walker and Beatriz and cousins
Lori, Emilia and Sophia are coming over in a
Few minutes for Christmas lunch
Have a merry one

Long As There Are Stars Above You

2011-12-24T22:05:00.003Z

I did as you told me, of course

I have been productive today
I saw Olivia, Zane and Hayley

I don't know what's going on in my head or in my stomach but
I'm going to see Doctor Dustan on the twenty-ninth and I'll
Let you know what she comes up with

Charleston is not good for my poor, fragile heart

The City Of Angels

2011-12-24T16:17:00.000Z

Honestly though, what the fuck's wrong with me
I'm going to talk it out

There She's Gone

2011-12-24T16:13:00.001Z

I'm trying not to care but
That's what I do when I'm in Charleston
I think it's already time for me to leave

It's such a shame that I can't be happy anywhere

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T13:10:00.000Z

It didn't seem bad at the time but to
Look back on last night makes me feel
Anxious and that's
Not what I need

I had three square meals yesterday but I think
It's back to the old ways today. I feel sick

All Because Of You

2011-12-24T06:33:00.002Z

Thank God I've got something to
Help me sleep tonight

The way I feel right now is not okay

Will You Come Again It's Hard To Say, I Surely Hope So

2011-12-24T02:06:00.001Z

Hayley's coming over in a bit and then we're
Going to say hello to Alicia at John's apartment
Tonight has some potential

Can you believe it's already Friday
Can you believe that, tomorrow, I will have
Been in Charleston a week

Never Gonna Break Never Gonna Break

2011-12-23T22:55:00.003Z

I am trying to go to Alicia's thing tonight but it's
Not really working out. Sometimes I get frustrated

Upload

2011-12-22T06:51:00.002Z

Sometimes I just don't want to know
And sometimes I hate you

Pendulum

2011-12-21T23:32:00.001Z

I spent some short, sweet time with
Sean Pennington at Starbucks but
I still can't eat

My hands are still shaking and I feel like I
Might throw up but
I'm going to Emily Sassard's tonight and Kristmar and I are
Picking Chloë up from the airport so maybe some time with
Sane people will be good for me
It's been a minute since I've been around people
Who aren't completely crazy

Pay The Price

2011-12-21T21:23:00.001Z

The fact that I haven't seen you is making me insane

I'm remembering why I couldn't have stayed in Charleston
And it's
All you, baby cakes, it's all you

I don't want to overshadow the fact that
I had a good night last night, the first good night I've had
In months and I
Feel like I maybe deserved it

I saw Cayden, Davin, Hayley and Vincent
As well as having Brief encounters with Lewis and Big Andre
I crashed on Davin's couch and woke up to
Bagels with Hayley and
In a way that's the kind of life I want but

I know I just can't, I just can't
Stay in this city and be constantly thinking about
Where you are and what you're doing and why
You're not with me
To be honest those are the things I think about
When I'm in St Andrews too but
It's just different here

Open The Eyes Of My Heart - What

2011-12-20T22:08:00.002Z

A Christmas present came in the mail today for Papa
Excuse me but, uhh, what? Excuse me but, uhh
It's been a year and a half

And you know what
If you won't see me, Caroline Weachter will

(I finished your painting and it's
The only decent Conor Oberst portrait I've
Ever done)

I'll Get You In The End

2011-12-20T17:06:00.000Z

Listening to Past Masters and trying to figure out
What the hell to put on this canvas
GIVE ME IDEAS

The End Of Paralysis (I Was A Statuette)

2011-12-20T13:00:00.001Z

I fell asleep right after dinner last night
And I woke up a little bit ago
I had a dream that I actually made it to the
Uffizi and it was all
Sculptures of dogs and paintings by
Frida Kahlo paint-alikes

Speaking of painting
I did a little one yesterday and I'm going to
Do a bigger one today
I think that's what I miss the most

Opportunities, Circumstances, Consequences

2011-12-19T13:24:00.002Z

This house is very quiet this morning
I've been up for a long time and I guess I'm
Still kind of jet lagged

Today I'm going to Robert's basketball game
And I'll try to see some people that I
Need to see
I will also try to eat something

Charlezton

2011-12-18T04:02:00.001Z

I've been awake for
More or less twenty-seven hours
And I forgot how much I like this bedroom

Hey
I'm home
You're home
We should be
At the same home
Together
(But right now
It's time for sleep)

Fisher

2011-12-17T20:19:00.003Z

I'm so tired of being in Newark
But hey, thank the holy Lord above for internet

I can't decide if I
Want food or not and the answer is probably
Yes. Mmmm they don't sell Reeses in the UK

Did you know that by the end of this
I will have been travelling for nineteen hours

And Just Like Glass, I See Through You

2011-12-17T18:30:00.003Z

There are two pigeons wondering around in the
Newark airport and no one is answering my calls

I am so ready to be in Charleston

Make Me Forget As To What Did I Say

2011-12-17T03:03:00.000Z

I managed to sleep until two twenty-seven
And now I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting

Broken Bells

2011-12-16T21:14:00.000Z

I'm so excited I can't sleep

I've been thinking a lot about high school and I
Can't believe I'm not there anymore
It was such an abrupt change to whatever I'm
In the midst of now
I've come a long way in a little time

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow

Rotten Vocal Chords

2011-12-16T19:12:00.000Z

Tomorrow I will

See all the people I love and

Everything will be wonderful

Tomorrow is the day

When I say I have no friends here, I'm really lying

I have Julia Blaski and that's enough

But I'm ready to go to Charleston

To my family, my mother and my father and Robert and Julius and even Macy

Lori and the little girls, Emilia and Sophia. Walker and Beatriz

Sean Pennington and Hayley

Chloe and Chloë and Kristmar and Daniel Kendra

Davin and Cayden

Maggie Fitts and Gaylen and Sarah Barnwell Smith

Alicia and Vincent and André and Deborah

Caroline Rivers across the street

Mary Shahid and Cappi Wilborn

And if I'm lucky, if I'm really lucky

I'll see Annie and Mel and Kathy

Logan and her Canadian fiancé

Why are all the good people in the world in America?!!

I Tried To Pass For Nothing, But My Dreams Gave Me Awaaayy

2011-12-16T18:17:00.003Z

I can't beeeeelieve how excited I am to
BE BACK IN CHARLESTON
Life is so funny

All The Shit That I Said

2011-12-16T14:54:00.000Z

November's will forever be
The best playlist I've ever made

I'm about to gulp down the rest of this tea and
Meet Julia in town before German class
My last real German class - ever!!

There's an aeroplane making its way across the
Piece of sky I can see from the window of LC3 and
St Andrews is beautiful
I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready

About Myself

2011-12-16T12:02:00.001Z

I made a little Christmas card for the cleaning lady
But my good deed didn't pay off because
I still have to take all my posters down before two o'clock
They're getting aggressive about it

I'm so ready to be in Charleston
My legs are getting restless in the same way they did
Before I was due to come here

Gold Teeth And A Curse For This Town Are All In My Mouth

2011-12-16T08:29:00.002Z

Tomorrow! Tomorrow tomorrow!

The Shins will provide my soundtrack
As I pack my bags and tidy my room

Hello To You

2011-12-15T23:26:00.001Z

Today is almost over and I
Just have to get through tomorrow and then I can SEE YOU IN CHARLESTON

Yelling And Laughing And Falling

2011-12-15T23:17:00.001Z

The bottoms of my shoes
Are sticky sticky sticky because the
Old Wing Common Room floor was
Covered in champagne
I'm finding myself back in LC3 sooner than I thought but I discovered
I may have no friends at Uni Hall, but that doesn't mean there aren't
Nice people here. Jaime is always a sweetheart and she's not the only one
Maybe there's nothing wrong with them, maybe there's just something
Wrong with me

Timeline

2011-12-15T17:27:00.001Z

New facebook is craaaazzy
Time for dinner!

Christmastime

2011-12-15T17:04:00.001Z

I found this picture of Conor wearing a
Santa Claus hat and I made it my computer background
Very exciting

It's almost time for dinner and I'm
So hungry!

Teach Me Some Melodious Sonnet Sung By Flaming Tongues Above

2011-12-15T16:26:00.000Z

I saw a baby spotted greyhound on the beach today
And it made me want a dog real real bad

Other than that puppy and his
Human counterpart, there was no one on the beach at all and this meant
I could sing to myself all I wanted. My favourite song of the day was
Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing. It's Christmas time!!

I am finished with classes for the day
I'm going to sit in bed until dinner and then (there's a change in plans)
Max's birthday party is on. So maybe I'll go to that until I
Can't stand being around people anymore, and then I'll go to sleep
Tomorrow I will pack my suitcase and I will go to my one class
And on Saturday I will leave Uni Hall at five thirty in the morning
(I have to keep repeating these things to myself and to you)

There's No Saving Me, At All

2011-12-14T22:37:00.003Z

It's ten thirty and I'm going to side with the possibility
That my 'friends' aren't going to text me back
It's okay though, because I'm living a life of grace
And I'm accepting being slighted, forgotten, disliked
Besides, I will be in Charleston soon and I will be loved

Besides, until then, I will be in St Andrews and that is where I
Have always wanted to be. Tomorrow I'm going for a
Walk on the beach and then I'm going to class and then I'm
Going to dinner and then I'm going to bed
The next day I'm packing and possibly walking some more and
Saturday I am leaving
I will be gone for three weeks instead of two
And nothing is good or bad, everything just is

Safe And Warm And I Love You

2011-12-14T22:04:00.001Z

But hey, you've
Looked at this blog eight times in the
Past day so I guess we're even

Freshman Year

2011-12-14T21:20:00.001Z

Mmm this merlot is as easy
As grape juice
(I have a little secret and I really hope that I
Won't get too drunk and write it out on this blog)

I am so happy
About my flight change!!
One more week in Charleston is
One more week with you!

This is eighth post I've published today
And I hope you're not bored of me

I Know This Ain't What You Bargained For

2011-12-14T21:14:00.001Z

There is some very good news on the horizon
I have changed my flight back to St Andrews
From the second to the eighth of January
That gives me
One extra week with my favourite people in Charleston!

I might just go out tonight
First, at least one bottle of wine

Pick Up Your Feet

2011-12-14T20:22:00.003Z

I might just go out tonight
It is Wednesday, after all

Since dinner, I have done two drawings
I'm trying real hard to be good at something

Breathe in, breathe out
I feel okay right now

Remember That Time When Cursive Was Good

2011-12-14T17:10:00.001Z

I love it when I get
Spontaneous calls from Hayley

I am lucky
And I am loved

Now for that third cup of tea

She Said, I Wish You Could Get Over Him, But That's The Last Thing I Want To Do

2011-12-14T15:51:00.002Z

I don't ever want the novelty to wear off
I love you, so much more than forever

There's More To Life Than Just To Live It, According To The Kinks

2011-12-14T10:32:00.000Z

Mmmm mince pies

It may be true that I have no real friends at St Andrews
But at least I have mince pies

And tetris

Simplicity, Hallelujah

2011-12-14T10:18:00.002Z

Another. Failed. Mission
At the hospital. This is getting a little ridiculous
I mean I understand there are cultural differences and
Brits don't prescribe as freely as Americans but I have been
Walking my two miles to the doctors' office every few weeks for the
Past three months and every time I've said
I think I need a medication change. I think I need something
To help me concentrate
I'm calling in Doctor Dustan
Doctor Dustan will fix this

I have just one class today and I could skip it because
I've been to every other one but
It's the last art history tutorial before exams and I have a feeling
We'll be discussing important things, et cetera
Look at me, being a good student
I'll just have a cup of tea first
(Just let me have my coffee before you
Take away
The day)

It's Bliss

2011-12-14T08:29:00.000Z

I now have had
Two Christmas cards delivered to
The door of LC3. One is from 'Santa' and
One is from Issy, a sweet girl who lives
On my floor. Also, the inevitable disapproval
Came from the parents and it looks like I will be
Living in University Hall next semester

Which leads me to my next topic, pills
I'm under the impression that if I get my
Medication together everything will be okay
So cross your fingers for me, I'm off to the doctor
In a few minutes

Lastly, today is Cayden's birthday and I
Can't remember what I got him last year. Shet!

Two In A Row!! / This Is George Harrison Saying Happy Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Happy Happy

2011-12-13T18:47:00.000Z

I don't know how I feel about
The Beatles' Christmas songs
I do know, how I feel about
Sufjan Stevens' Christmas songs
And I feel like I love them a lot

Today is Tuesday, and it's almost over
Tomorrow is Wednesday and that is
The day I go to the doctor and hopefully, finally
Get some pills
On Thursday, provided it's not hurricaning outside
I will take a walk in the morning and go to
Classes in the afternoon
On Friday, I will pack my bags and on Saturday
At five thirty in the morning, I will leave University Hall
And I will go to the Edinburgh airport with
Hayley and Beau Daen
Four days seems like so looooong

One More Chance

2011-12-12T20:11:00.001Z

I am shaking with excitement

Cement

2011-12-12T11:08:00.001Z

I can't do this, and it's really disheartening

I'm sitting in the library, at a desk covered in
Books on the Brancacci Chapel
I've added one footnote to my essay, something like
Thirty words. I just want to know what happened
To the person I used to be. I could
Do work and be sociable, etc

If you think about it, the phrase 'That which doesn't kill you
Makes you stronger' makes about zero percent sense
That which doesn't kill you, clearly makes you weaker
Isn't is obvious

Born Secular

2011-12-12T09:07:00.001Z

I have have have to do my essay today but I just can't
Maybe I'll go for a walk on the beach instead
No! No no no! I must do my essay!

The good news is this
It's Monday so I was able to take an index card down
From my week-by-week calendar

Hmm. It's nine oh seven. I was supposed to start working
By eight thirty. Maybe I'll go to the library and do work there
Heeeellllpppp meeeee

Piaf, Sparrow

2011-12-11T22:45:00.001Z

I talked to Chloë and also to my mother
And I made zero progress on my essay

I've had my iTunes on shuffle all
Afternoon and evening
And I have to admit, I really like the
Assortment of music I have on this computer

I asked you a question, but I'm trying to live in
The way of grace - accepting being slighted
Forgotten, disliked

As for you, I'm having a hard time not worrying
Please talk to me

Living

2011-12-11T16:34:00.001Z

Today I walked on the beach until
I couldn't see St Andrews anymore
And then I walked more until my path was
Obstructed by fences and things
And then I climbed up on top of the dunes
And found a bench to sit upon for a bit

When I got back here I
Read through our old messages and
I missed you even more (it's possible?!)

Now I'm
Exhausted and I'm also
Supposed to write an essay
Oh dear

God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You

2011-12-10T21:05:00.001Z

Remember that time when
I made it so Sean Pennington couldn't read this blog for
A whole summer? Thank God I'm
More mature than that now

One week is a long time

Hey, I made it to nine o'clock!!

How Are You / It Should Be Obvious

2011-12-10T20:52:00.001Z

I now truly know what it means
To laugh and cry at the same time
How could you possibly know
That I sign my letters to people I really love, 'C'